CRUMPLED PIECES OF PAPER

Do u know what it actually feels like to be crushed, many of u say yes, because its just a feeling, now again, do u know what it actually is like to be crushed???? , Not feel it remember, you can feel like it many times but to really be crushed is something that I wish no one has to go through, and remember it’s the worst things that could happen to you.

And yet many of us go through that harrowing experience, and I say this because I’ve been through them myself, and met many more people who have been through it too. The feeling of the walls closing in on you when you sit all alone in the room, the feeling of the world crashing up on you, the feeling of the dry sore throat, which remains like that no matter water you drink, the pain that you go through with every gulp, the wet eyes that cannot shed tears, just because that feeling is too big to be even be able to cry, and more of those feelings, they are things I would never want to have to go through again, and yet the shadow of them looms over every one of us because somewhere sometime someone gets beat down and that’s when your ordeal starts.

Before you presume that it was for a girl, let me make it clear it was not, but for most people it is, well co incidentally not for me though, so im on the better side of things till now, but yes ive been crushed, so I know the feeling is all the same at the end of the day.

But its not the ordeal, the being crushed part I hate the most, it’s the weeks that follow, you know you need get back to normal, and you cannot survive in all that misery thrust upon yourself, move over it and resume your normal life. Things become a drag, loved ones become a bother just because you wish to be left all alone, food becomes another obligation, music seems like a noise and the things that once made you smile are just seen with emotionless eyes, and you become a shadow of what you once were, that’s what life does to you and survival becomes meaningless then.

But yet as time passes by we come back from the dead wiser if I may say so, and as they say time heals all the wounds, but deep wounds leave behind ugly scars, scars that only we know of, scars that scare us about the things go by, scars that will never let us be the same again. As crumpled pieces of paper once crushed cannot become the same smooth pieces once again, the same happens with our lives no matter how hard we try we cannot become our old selves once again, you may get close but never the same again.

And then the inevitable happens, and this is the utterly disgusting part of being crushed, whenever something that reminds you of things that went by that fateful time happen you retreat into your shell, you change for sometime, suddenly afraid and terrified once again, something that comes by every once and then.

Well I had my bad times as these and now am better, yet yes I do come across things that remind me of those times I wriggled on the floor, in pain, despair and misery, the times I felt like asking if things were indeed fair, the times when I was like a piece of crumpled paper lying in one corner that no one cared to notice, that small blob of pulp on the ground, and I know exactly what I mean right here because I have been there, so whenever I come across people who have been through the same as me I tend to look at them from a different angle, not of criticism but of appreciation , for their courage to hold on, for their gusto to keep fighting, for the energy in them and also for the way they have managed to hold themselves together after all that they have been through, its hard to cut through the ice though, the skeptics we become once we have been through that, also who wants to be seen as a weak person , its something we best deny , yet I wish to understand , something in me says that I should come forward, something that I should do  as a fellow struggler , as someone who has held on, let me know what others have been through, for it is indeed good to know that there are many of you, and your are not all alone in the sea of faces, I have been misunderstood a couple of times, stirred up some wrong emotions and also many a times struck the wrong chords for my approach yet I know that it would not hurt to know someone better and someday I will indeed be understood, for what ive been through, and for what I strive to do and learn.

I so every time I see a crumpled paper on the ground I tend to bend down and pick it up to see what inside, because none knows what it holds inside, who knows someday you may just come across something that may just change your life, so until then I continue to pick up those small blobs from the corners, seeking answers to my questions and trying to answer the questions that they may hold.

PS: this post is inspired by a painting made by someone who ive gotten to know here, I really liked the theme and was sitting in the office when the net was slow , and the painting suddenly crosses my mind so typed this, and will upload it later, so that’s why the name “CRUMPLED PIECES OF PAPER”, though i do not know how close i actually got to the actual theme of the painting the artist had intended to convey

I MAKE THE CHANGE !!!!!!

I know all of this is something many people have written about over and over before me but some things are best left unsaid , and this is what this post is all about, people say a lot of stuff, I do too and I accept with all the responsibilities that come with it.
you see I was never serious about things in my life, I mean seriously not serious, every day came and went and I continued, but now its been sometime and after all this time I've come to realize that change is something that I can do, something I can work on and make sure that I do well . Also change is a slow process it seems, and I've chosen for green organic change, and although it is a bit unconventional and stuff but its pretty easy, and no big needs to be done about it if you just add a few minute details it all adds up to it and becomes real easy.
two things I have been doing and I've come to be proud of, or rather 3 or 4 , ill mention all that I can remember , small changes that make a difference to my tomorrow and things that can make u stand up and think
 1) carry a backpack- now i know all of us do this , esp the younger folk but how many of us put it to use properly, I mean its been quite sometime since I accepted a polythene bag from a store, I just tuck whatever I buy into my bag and tell them to save the bag, that makes one less for the world to deal with, and its simple , just carry a small bag wherever u go and imagine how much of a difference you could make with that MINUTE change to your lifestyle and if u really need the bag, accept it, but make sure you just don't dump it once u keep your stuff, re-use it as many times as possible, that surely would help make our world a better place to live .................
2) I carry my own water- I carry a bottle of water wherever I go and if I need a fill up I just go to a nearby restaurant and ask them to help me fill it up, and they always oblige, so that's a lot of lesser plastic bottles, transportation issues and money saved too, and I always have fresh water to drink, and for those who want cold water, get a thermal jacket for your bottle that would help you keep it cool, and I know a thermal jacket and bottle sound like an investment but imagine the gains you make for yourself in the long term, and you helped to make the world a better place to live in once again.........................
3) I use a ceramic cup- I know this sounds a bit odd but for the folks who work at offices like mine and who take regular water and coffee breaks , its easy to fathom the difference, 15 cups saved in a day, that's about my count, and imagine what I help reduce in one year, just writing " WE REALLY CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT , IS PRINTING THIS MAIL REALLY NECESSARY" at the bottom does not make a difference, using reusable cups does, and its easy too , and as already said above you helped make the world a better place to live in once again .....................
4) i CYCLE-  its been 101 days today, 25 km a day minimum, so get the calculations done yourself, imagine the savings in petrol/diesel, maintenance costs, gym fees, time savings and also the gain in fitness(i still don't have a six pack though), seriously I do I need say more, I know we can complain about the traffic and stuff and how hard it is to start, but yes I huffed and puffed initially , but I did start and I made sure I stayed on track and today I do that distance in an hour with ease, and without losing sweat, and about the traffic worries, USE A HELMET, and ride responsibly and once people realize Ur a serious rider trust me people respect you on the road, and yes once there are many of us I feel there will be better traffic conditions and better respect on the road for all of us, and not to forget the reduction of GREENHOUSE GASES and also NO. OF CARS ON THE ROAD, that sure should help reduce the traffic congestion, and yet again you just helped make the world a better place to live in .........

that's some of the changes that suit my life, they may suit yours or may not, but there is always something that suits your way of life, so please BE THE CHANGE in your small way, do your thing, your way, make the difference and help make the world a better place to live in ............................

YEEE HAWWWWW..............................

thats an interesting title, isnt it ?????
to hell with u if u disagree, and i never cared about what u thought anyway , its my blog and i write as much bullshit as i can and will continue to do so with complete disregard about what u think, anyway u guys never leave back a feedback so i ensure that until u start doing so i get to continue with whatever i like !!!

damn i do get carried away sometimes though as is what happened above, now about today , i set my alarm for 6, and it did its duty by trying to wake me up, but the poor me ditched its efforts dint go with the flow and on the pretext that i had 2 more hours to go until i had to leave kept sleeping,  and as is the case when u sleep when my eyes open and i check out what time it is , i see thats its 9:30 already, the last time im allowed in to register a punch in if im to be marked present for the whole day, so then i again sleep until 10, call up my boss and tell him that ill be joining him after lunch, and sleep again, and the best part, i actually have a regular job( we are not supposed to enjoy the little pleasures in life) anyway so then i do my usual little grooming (if u replace the little with SPARSE that would do it more justice) and i step out, eat breakfast( which happened after more than a month) and ride to office( on my bike, not my motorbike mind u). and here i am in the office writing away in all my glory even after all ive been through today (its a good life anyway, have fun when u can), unmindful of all the things that are happening around me, it sure is a good life ha , so say YEEEEE HAWWWWW and have fun .

thats for today though, and some other things have come too that have been nice to talk about, had a good new year start, dint have any plans but my rommies frens came over and we had a small party at our place, complete with dancing and hooting, much to the annoyance of the family downstairs, and then had dinner at 5( dinner or breakfast, call it whatever u like) and then without sleep stepped out for my sunday ride ( i do long rides on sunday), met people and i come to know of a plan that they wanted to go to a place around 80 km from here, beat that, but the normal me takes over and though a little sleep deprived i decide im up for it, so we ride out in the mist, and LO i do my first ride of over 100 KM IN A DAY (did 120) and although due to some change of plans we decided to decrease the distance it was fun anyway, and here is a pic too to remind u of the ride , and also an attachment to see how much i did that day !!

thats me on the halol expressway

LADIES!!!!

Before I even start I would like to clear all the dust around me that I'M NO WOMANIZER, nor a male chauvinist, so please please no foregone conclusions on this post, we can have a good conversation if you have a different opinion but please no foregone conclusions because all I write now are some of  my old experiences.

I was never a very popular guy, and I was never noticed in school, not that I cared about it too, but it dint matter back then, because hardly a few guys I knew had girlfriends. Times have changed, I'm out of school, heck I've even finished college and now I'm a new age professional with a decent enough life,
now coming to what I really wanted to say, you see times have changed, so have the men, but even more so the women, they have become LIBERATED if I go by what most people say, they have become modern, and they have become new age and what not bullshit you would care to say, but I dont see any of the so called traits that people want to endow on them, seriously been a long time since I've met a woman, more so a LADY, because if ur born a girl you grow to become a woman, but you need to work to become a LADY.
Men dont understand women, and neither do I, but come on, when you give a genuine compliment, why is it taken as a FLIRT, or if you make a move to get to know someone just because you found her interesting, why is it perceived as if you are hitting on her, I seriously fail to understand.

Women want true men, atleast thats what they say they want, but when you talk straight, its perceived as rude, and when you speak true it is seen as being blunt, come on ladies, what is wrong with you, I know there are way too many men out there who make passes, flirt, pamper, butter, and compliment, but sometimes when a genuine guy comes along you fail to make the cut because you are too busy to care, to notice, and all the men get in return is a blunt  girl who does not even care.
If you wish that  a gentelman come and sweep you off your feet then learn to be a lady, I know there are some ladies in the crowd, and I can see some of them, but they are too scared to take the plunge even when a genuine gentleman comes along, times have come when its easier to find a SEXY BIMBO, than to find a GENUINE LADY, someone who can actually reciprocate to your actions in the way of the word and who does not rush into preconclusions, you see most there are a lot of WOMEN, just too few a LADIES, and I'm not a woman's man, im a LADIES MAN, and I wouldnt even care to flirt with a true lady because a lady would know that when I give her a compliment, I do mean it , and I'm not just making a pass at her,
there are men who fool around but ladies if you are looking for a man in the crowd, you seriously need to put in some genuine work because like a man notices a lady, it is also important for a lady to notice a man, when a man gives a compliment , it is necessary to take it in true essence of  word,

and most of the things ive written is because its happened to me, when I give a compliment it is taken for a flirt, when I smile its taken as though  I'm desperate, when I make the first move to get to know each other its taken as im in a hurry to get a hang, I know im a little blunt around the edges and I'm a little covered in filth and am nowhere close to looking like BRAD PITT or  ASTON KUTCHER , of for the desi ones, HRITIK or SRK , and neither have the moolah to boast of, but please do remember that if you are genuinely looking for someone like a PERFECT MAN, please let it be known that there are none, so if you cannot compromise on a few things, please dont, but I can bet on hy head that you will either compromise at some point or will die single,

 so the next time someone makes a compliment or initiates a conversation, or maybe is a little blunt or not such a gentleman, please do probe beneath the surface to find out the truth as to why things happened, because if you rush to conclusions I'm pretty sure, you will be looking for someone for a long long time, and just so you remember, getting to know someone, and investing some time in getting to know a guy better MAY JUST CHANGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE !!!!

STEPPING FORWARD.................

I kind of find it strange that I don’t find time to update my blog these days, for reasons even I can’t seem to come to terms with. I have no reason or argument at all, even if there should be one to say in my favour, so sincerely speaking I have never been as clueless as I am right now. So now getting back on track let’s see how times have changed since the last time I updated my blog, damn I don’t even remember when that was last, it’s kind of embarrassing, but well I guess that’s the truth so I may very well accept it with as much grace I possibly could. A few things over the course of the last month have changed the way I see things radically, almost sending it spinning off into a new direction, in my earlier posts I have gone so GA GA over my job, well the best part is that the energy and the zeal is still intact, I WILL NOT BE BROKEN SO EASILY, something I keep reminding myself all the time. Now onto the things that have changed the way I see things, some of them are filled with tragedy, and some with energy, covering a broad range of the spectrum, and also something in between too.

THE TRAGEDY
This is something that shook me, it shook all of us who come from the eastern Himalayas, but I am not at home and the tremors did not get this far, but that is just physical right, the thing is I was shaken deep inside, from the core, I was about to step out, all prepped up, when I turn on the television and a news flashes EARTHQUAKE, EPICENTRE EXPECTED TO BE SIKKIM, and I froze right there, seriously I have never felt so numb and helpless, never ever before and I wish I do not have to face anything like that in the future too. The quake left homes broken, people devastated, I am still here for I have been unable to go home for quite sometime now, and my village has been pretty much spared from the devastation, but others have not been so fortunate, entire communities have been uprooted, years of hard work gone in seconds, a long long walk back to normalcy. I just hope we get back someday, somehow, but we will get it back in track, the people may be shaken, but they will not be broken, that is not something that Is going to happen, the people I know back home, the hardy people from deep within the Himalaya are too strong at heart to sit down in despair, they will stand from the ruins, stronger and better than before, THEY WILL, WE WILL. But what shame’s is the politics that is taking place back home in the aftermath, I only see it on networking sites, and if what I’ve read is true then the SHAME, and I put in capitals, is too hard to even contemplate, how can you do this to your own people in the times of tragedies like this, when did we stoop so low?? I have always believed that our people were made of better stuff, that the feeling of brotherhood, and unity binds our society together, in a way like the strands of a fabric are bound together in oneness. I do not know how many people feel so, but people let us get over such petty feelings of selfishness and greed, and learn to become the PEOPLE we once were, the hardy smiling people of Sikkim, the people I knew always, the people who were above caste creed ethnicity, language, and all such things that divide us into different beings, for once and all let us show that we can be better HUMANS, who can rise from the ruins, and leave such petty external influences behind.
The earthquake also had a personal impact on me, here I am so far away, from east to west, I was never at home so things are not too tragic for me that way, but now it is time I learn to take over the reins form my father, for he has strived very hard in getting us where we are today, it has been a long arduous journey, a journey that is still on. When the event took place, phone lines were jammed and for the first time in many months I prayed, something I don’t do, I’m hardly the praying type anyway, but at that moment that’s all I could do, the hour or so before my brother called to say that he had spoken to people at home and everyone was safe and fine were among the most toughest in my life, I was never so afraid, not even when they were announcing the results of my interview. The feeling of not being able to be there is something I will never forget, I’ve never been the emotional types, more of a cold person till now but at that moment, I knew it would have been so different had I been able to be with them. That is something that I wish I do not have to encounter anytime soon.

The hope and the belief that things will get better, and the people will learn to get back on their feet resides within me, and I know that every self reliant and independent Sikkimese will feel so too, so let us rise from the ruins stronger and better than ever, that is something I wish happens, something I would be so happy to see happening, THE SOONER THE BETTER.

THE IN-BETWEEN
Nothing huge about the in-between thing, for the past few months I was in Delhi attending the integration program, well the party got over a few weeks back and so now I’m on the ground, I mean literally on the ground, I am with the Hydro Division of our company, so that basically means that I’m in the business that makes power equipment that actually generate the Electricity from water, before some ANTI-DAM comments are made please note that I am in no way responsible for make the dams, neither does the company I work for make them, and I am as anti dam in Sikkim as all of you, all we do is make the power houses for the developers, so as long as they don’t build the dams we have nothing to do, that said I know that dams are bad, I’m an HYDRO-ENGINEER for god’s sake, it’s my work to know that, and all the complex situations that have developed in Sikkim are all because of our CORRUPT (in capitals) officials of the state government colluding with the people of the power developers to cheat and dupe the people of Sikkim. Also another point to be clarified is that we do not undertake civilian work, our work has nothing to do with the local populace, none at all, all we do is make our stuff here in Baroda and go and set it up wherever out customers say so, and we only build on ORDER, so we do not push to sell our wares in the market, as may seem to you when I write customers. If you need more clarifications about dams drop in a mail into my inbox or let’s catch up over coffee sometime (don’t worry I’ll pay for the coffee and snacks). That said now back to the actual IN-BETWEEN matter, you see we have many sites where we are working for our customers in Sikkim, so I so so wanted to be in site installations, since that meant a free trip back home, sitting at home in Sikkim while working for a FORTUNE 500 company, well what could be better, that’s what I thought too, so when they were assigning the departments there was only one site opening and another guy got that, just imagine my so smooth and slick dream shattering in broad daylight, but I guess sometimes you do not get what you wish for because there are better things in store for you. And that is just what happened, I got assigned to PROJECT MANAGEMENT, that’s like the direct flight to the most important department in a PROJECTS company like mine, somewhere you get to kick ass all the time, I know this because I’ve been here for 20 days now and I’ve seen so much ass kicking that I’m actually looking forward to settle down on this position, and in a few months more when I find my place here, get to do some ass kicking of my own. And also project management gets me going to sites all the time while at the same time functioning from the headquarters which means quite a bit of travel, so that means I get to travel, visit home every few months, and also work at the same time in almost perfect synchrony (that is if I can manage it) while the company pays for it, what could have been better. Now as we all know all good things have a dark back side and since my good side has a very bright front, so it has a unusually dark rear, the work in project management is viral, it never stops, there are nothing called holidays, there are nothing called timings, the work is not hard mind you, it also not like we are overburdened like in those LALA Indian companies, it’s just that when something is needed then you need to work, and get everything back on track , that’s what your job profile is and that’s what you are supposed to do, no exceptions, no questions asked. That was one cheek of the ass, now onto the other cheek. WE ARE DIRECTLY ANSWERABLE TO THE SENIOR MANAGEMENT, which basically comes down to, when the bosses want answers, you are the one that has to do the answering, he is not going to find someone else, so when YOUR ASS GETS KICKED, you be sure that it pains for quite a few months, because bigger the boss, the worse the kick, so greater the pain. That rarely happens because in our line of work, our civil partners are the slower among the lot, so usually it’s the bigger delay that gets noticed not our smaller ones. But it does happen sometime and as I already said, it hurts bad, REAL BAD.

THE BETTER PART
To the some of you who know me or have read my earlier posts, assumedly must have guessed that I’m not much of a stickler to rules or tradition, there is always something that can be done better right, well if you don’t think so, not my problem then, but I do feel that if there are two ways to doing things, and most people tale the first, given the liberty I would chose the second one, for even if I was wrong in making my choice I would atleast have scratched that itch, but when things become constrained I stick to convention, that’s the safe way out anyway. So something of making the choice type of situations presented itself to me this month, it was like I could stick to the norm and play it safe or instead chose to bend the norms and get things done with additional independence and benefits, and I chose to take the latter. We shifted to our rented place at the beginning of this month; the hotel car facility was withdrawn, so I was faced with a choice as to how I could commute the 4.5 km from my new place to work and back. Then the time came to make the decision, I have always been a fan of BIKES, not the gas guzzling types mind you, the ones I’m talking come with 1HP(human power), so it had been a few months that I had started getting paid , so I decided to get one for myself too, damn they come in all sizes, materials and PRICES too so after some research, some advice seeking and some INQUISITION, things happened and I got one of the BIKES for myself, what better way to keep  myself energised. That’s what I had thought, and so true too. So one fine day, I went up to Ahmadabad, where the bike I had chosen was available and got it. I got it on the basis of intuition because before this I had been into relatively recreational biking, and that too never in the plains, so it was a new start of sorts for me, but it’s been going well, the intentions I had in mind are getting met, although I wish I get posted to some hill project locations so that I could get on to practicing on new terrain. The bike I got for myself is a CANNONDALE TRAIL 6. The bike looks great, feels light and nimble and rides even better, and the four odd km each way go off in a jiffy, and with boring office work coming my way these days, it’s one of the most interesting things I do everyday. It’s also been good physical exercise because sit in the office all day, eat your meals, go home and sleep are the only things I do, so when imagining myself as a potbellied young office goer, was making me ridicule myself every time I thought of it, and with my working hours and lack of time for any serious activity on weekdays I seriously could not come to think of a better way to get things done for myself. Also something that people do not contemplate when they think of a BIKE, they just think it’s just a cycle so what’s about it, and to that I just say that you seriously need to grow up because the way you look at things seriously needs UPGRADING. And with the petrol prices shooting up faster than the space shuttle, I do not see why my decision does not make sense, and the gain in fitness and the savings in terms of gym fees more than justify my decision for myself. So it’s been going well with the bike, I’ve been going around a bit whenever I can, and Baroda not being such a big city it totally makes sense to cycle, and what keeps me more going than ever is the image of the POTBELLIED myself, I seriously do not want to end up that way.
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.498845192801.293455.746342801&type=3#!/photo.php?fbid=10150471679477802&set=a.10150178960872802.358741.746342801&type=1
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150471674842802&set=a.498845192801.293455.746342801&type=3
(these are the pictures of the bike and me with the bike please feel free to view it)

What I’ve written above is the before lunch part, I’m in the project management team and, my bosses and mentor are such busy people that they have not had the time to give me work yet, and as in I am not assigned to a project but I got to come to office, so for the last few days I’ve been coming to office with my laptop since IT has not provided me with one yet, its stocked with music, so all I do all day is report to my cubicle on time each day, keep my chair warm, drink copious of the free Nescafe available in the office, and type stuff on my laptop, like yesterday I compiled the list of email ids of persons, today I wrote this, and I need to come up for this week, and then on I guess I will finally get assigned to some project and then begin to get the work don and contribute, but I guess I should enjoy till the party lasts because if I am in the same league as my colleagues then I’m going to be real busy. Hopefully days like this keep coming from time to time so that I can have the pleasure of what’s been going on with me, or basically my own philosophy sometimes. That said there are better things like getting paid for doing nothing, that is fun too, and anyway soon when I get assigned I’m going to miss these times, anyway I guess this is going to be kind of an information overload, but deal with is once, it’s not much work to do.

P.S- maybe this is because of the GUJRAT effect but my consumption of c2o5oh and meat has gone down drastically, am surprised at myself that I’m actually managing with vegetarian food, but I will get back to my old habits once I get out of here so no worries.and im posting this from an office computer too.

A leap of faith................................

when someone says "I NEARLY SHIT MY PANTS" and u answer I UNDERSTAND , you are usually just trying to imagine what it actually means but you never have been in one actually, similarly when someone says " I TOOK A LEAP OF FAITH" its the same situation , and in many more cases like this it is usually the same because we all try to imagine what that the situation was like because we cannot actually FATHOM the depth in the meaning of what he just said. i say this because i too was among those who used the TAGLINE " I CAN IMAGINE / UNDERSTAND" quite liberally and leniently.........

 but time comes and you some to understand that the terms you sometimes use are not as appropriate as they were, and the moment of truth for me happened 2 days back, everyone has one and this was mine.

the scene of that intense moment of realization was actually quite a lenient one, i was in Himachal on a trip and we surprisingly had a day off here (ive worked 5 of the first 7 weekends) so i took it in its stride and we made a plan of actually exploring the place !!!

so the plan was set and we went to a place called KHAJJIAR , awesome valley set amongst pine forests and all that , straight out of the sets of a romantic movie types,  so there was this oppurtunity for PARAGLIDING, the cost a little too high but after the initial hesitation , later i said FUCK I EARN SO STOP BEING A MISER and so two of us Mayanck singh

and me decided to go ahead and do it. so the stage was set, a adventure and an adventure freak mixing , a perfect setting for enjoyment, so made out way around 20 mins by car and 30 mins on foot to the adjacent hilltop and that was it !!!!

that was the take off area if i can call it that , so there was this steep slope that ended in a near vertical cliff and i was i can do it , so now the twist "HERE COMES THE FOG" and wait till it clears , took about an hour or so , was getting impatient , and then it cleared and THAT WAS MY MOMENT OF TRUTH RIGHT THERE, the thump of my heart was huge , the instructor cum pilot said , just run and run and you will be lifted off the ground, and on the top of the grassy patch was me hooked to the glider, and that was the MOMENT , yes that was it !!!
that was the time when "THE MOMENT OF TRUTH"
,"SHITTING MY PANTS","NEARLY PEED MY PANTS" and all that sort of phrases i had used without acknowledging their depth of meaning came in a HUGE FLOOD as i rushed down that slope towards a vertical drop, and the moment before i just took off was the scariest i guess i must have felt in my entire life!!!!!!

but i took off, and am alive to tell the tale , a lot more wiser and a lot more optimistic about LIVING THE MOMENT , a great experience in all. and i also know what BALLS OF STEEL means now , and shall hence forth use such phrases judiciously, also some pics that survived to tell the tale !!!!
P.S go for paragliding if u ever get a chance, its the closest many of u will get to flying and the lady who took of before me was over 65 years old so if her then why not you !!!!!!

experiences !!!!!

the past week has been a wonderful one for me , rather an interesting one if i could say so , things are going fine but imagine you meet someone u know after 7 long years and then as soon as u meet u become a partner in crime with that person, though the crime is just so that things can be set right but still u partner that person just as a spur of the moment activity, trust me it was one hell of an experience..........(sorry im bound to keep the details a secret)
and now comes the wonderful part , ive got back to reading and its been a while i had been reading but i finished 3 books in 3 days flat , not very bulky though but still three decently sized books finished , and then i realized ive done many things till now and have been exploring things too but more so there are some components of life ive left out , maybe not willingly but yes they had been left out but it was bout time i got back to attending to them as i could not leave them to be forever.
Ten years in boarding school can wreak havoc in ur life and thats what happened to me, other things are fine and got better with time but the one sphere that really falls apart in boarding school is the part where u learn to interact with the opposite sex, and altough it was  co-educational school things were no different from a boys school, and i got the basics all wrong there itself, and then came another time of havoc ""GOING TO A BOYS SCHOOL"" that was the icing on the cake if u can say that in matters of getting things wrong.

now comes the sad part , i went to a government college where the gender ratio is the worst it could be in the entire world and even worse went to a department in which there was 1 girl in a department of 245 people, now do u get the picture, things have actually been going from bad to worst and if there is another word that would do just fine in that direction, and now am stuck in an core engineering firm where all we have to satisfy ourselves and be content with is machinery that looks like someone took a BHADAKUTI (a game played by children in the Himalayas) and made things ultra large, to contemplate, where a screw and nut combination is about as heavy as 30 kg, now do u get the picture , where things are talked about in meters and tons rather than centimeters and kgs , and thats all i have to call for all day , and you know the large machines that we look at with awe when they are being transported, well i work in a factory that makes them, especially hydro components that are the biggest in India ,for example the heaviest coupling shaft (almost the same as a axle on a vehicle) that we manufactured was just 65 tons, so the picture is quite clear to u all, but wait what am i trying to get across, right ????????

now on the point , its as simple s it gets , im in Delhi for the last 45 days and i haven't got a taste of the ""DELHI LIFE"" that everyone who comes to Delhi so talks bout , so a longing to break free , the work ends at 5 but i have a life beyond that and what do i do then, no idea i guess because most of the people who i work with have no idea too, and its just great that these people are from Delhi and they have no fun, hell i even tried having fun on my own but im the stranger here so where do i go , i get a few references and i drop in to that place and have fun but u need people with u can have fun with and thats the part where things are so lacking, now i have said something about the socializing thing before , ive tried to better myself and have got rid of most of the inadequacies that plagued me for the better part of my life till now, so what the FUCK?????

come on lets get out and have some fun , and to the few people who do read my small WORTHLESS blog drop in ur suggestions about what i should do because im tired of asking the same questions to the same people everyday and if u r coming over lets catch up sometime, it would be a very welcome change to the company i usually have
catch all of u later and LETS HAVE SOME FUN!!!!!!!!

just another time !!!!

As I write this post again I’m offline too busy to actually sit online and type this post , hopefully I’ll put it up in the evening, it’s been a great rolling week for me and things seem to be moving at the right pace and in the right direction atleast for the time being. It’s been a crucial time for me , and actually a long journey, from an oblivious village in Sikkim to the national capital working for a MNC who is renowned for its work culture. And the best part starts when I say that it’s a MATRIX organization and not a hierarchical one because I’ve never been a big fan of authority, things are going well , the integration program is awesome to say the least , they seem to have put a lot of work in it and the results I see in myself are great.

Also its been a nice treat coming here, people for the first time see me in the crowd, though I’m not much of a looker though (even though my mom says I look better than tom cruise with PUN fully intended), and also atmosphere is just great here with many such people as myself lets me know that I’ve landed in the right place unlike earlier times where I was always the odd one out. And u know what the best part is , since long, I was never fond of studies , I always put my time and resources into other things and activities I found more appealing and they have paid off real well, I speak to everyone in my batch, all 126 of them, my bosses are frank with me and all the activities like movie making , business things I’ve been doing decision making exercises that we have to do are actually not things that I’ve been doing for the first time , and when people said I was weird when I started reading BALANCE SHEETS since class 11-12 though I was no commerce student should know that we had a session on reading balance sheets through which I was just sleeping and yawning because I actually understood everything the instructor told us and later I cleared the doubts of my frens so the going here has basically been on a going good on a simple note !!!

Tomorrow am going to Baroda so hope things turn to be as good there too but anyway let’s see how things happen and will keep u all updated when possible so signing off until then !!!!!

a NEW CHAPTER !!!!

Its been quite sometime since I last posted and since im not online right now cant get it checked too, anyway ill get back to from where I think I left last time. its been a good way getting here and as I write this I just turned 23 as I write this , I have a break between all the seminars so am writing this post right now and will maybe post it later .

Its been a long month at home and a very enjoyable at that too, went to nainital , and to agartala to get my marksheets and certificate that says that I now am a FIRST class mechanical engineer , and then had mohan dada’s marriage among the things I was looking to attend when I was home , was a great time and felt so good to be able to contribute in such a large part and be considered as family , a really treasured feeling and bhauju too seemed very warm and receptive by what little interaction we had, a good addition to that household by the way I see it .

And then comes the big changes that happened, real big in sense that I closed a chapter and moved on to a new one , and I’ve joined work, seems like a bad joke when I imagine myself being an employee of a FORTUNE 500 firm. What im doing here is not yet too clear but its been just a week since I started so I hope things get clearer with the passage of time. and came here and had 2 days to kill before I had to join, and got the opportunity to sample the hospitality of SIKKIM HOUSE , nice place and nice people never felt I was so far away from home when I was there (all thanks to the AC) and then explored a little of south ex, nehru makket , north campus and the areas that concerned and I had to visit not to forget CONNAUGHT PLACE the centre of it all.

AND THEN THE BIG LEAP

I guess the date of 2^nd july will stick in my head for a long long time to come and also for a very valid reason that that date marks my the completion of my transition , came here to indrapuram, had high hopes on quality but u never know shit does happen sometimes so had all my fingers crossed, and as this was a completely alien atmosphere I had no freaking idea about the kind of people I was supposed to expect, but some things are bound to happen and so it did too, my flatmate turned to be out from the location I was posted to, nice guy bonded well too, and then his frens and in all less than 2 hours I was one with the entire group, hardly realized that we had met just 2 hours back but im good with people and I guess there are times when it really pays off to be good at it too.

Its been a week here and thanks to the pampered accommodation that I get during my training period and the good food im hardly missing anything from home except my old frens but its time I learnt to accept I guess, and great people here made some really good frens till now , time will tell how long they do last but from a week of knowing I don’t think im going to be disappointed in any case . and also the firm seems to be doing good and seems im going to have my hands full with work for quite sometime to come , im here for 75 days and the next big leap comes when I move from here to BARODA  and thats where the true test lies in fact I guess ill do well but its best to be cautious, and hope things here go well too, been going well, all my colleagues seem to be really good and welcoming and hope things remain the same .

Backbreaker

A few days back i had to make the trip to my mothers ancestral village located in one of the lesser known corners of sikkim, as always i was alone for the trip and had to go alone. I remember making that trip a lot of times since childhood and i realize that little has changed about the trip over the years. The road was completed in 1991 as far as i remember so i have been using that road from the early years of my childhood. Back then when the road came to be having a road in the village was a big thing in itself so i guess no one actuallly cared how good or bad it was as long as the odd vehicle was able to ply on it for most of the year. Thats how it started.

20 odd years have passed since , i've become older and many other things seemed to have moved on, a new generation of vehicles plies on that road, gone are the old jeeps, then came the "COMMANDER"", i take its name with respect, now is the time for sumo and maxx but all have the same old road to travel. The 11 odd kilometeres from PAKYONG the nearest town takes well over an hour that too if it is a sunny dry day otherwise you can expect to be in your seats for atleast a hour and half.
Now i know the era of the SUV has come in since a few years back, but unfortunately people from my moms village have none because i guess no SUV would have got a better road expesure better than travel on that road for a year or so, when you begin the trip itself you start to shake and sway and with potholes as good as small ponds and slush so deep that you could plant paddy on them without much effort you can just start imagining how good the condition of the road is. And add to that the numerous landslides and non availability of drains on the road and all the overflow passing through the road you get a bettter picture of what conditions are like, yet the people of the place still conmtinue to endure all that without any concern, why be concerned when all the system is pitted against you and you cannot grease the palms of the officials enough, imagine a road lying in dispair in our very own sikkim for over 20 years without any major mantainence, you begin to get an idea about the SIKKIM I COME FROM, the real sikkim far beyond the so called beauty and tourism potential of gangtok, far beyond the plastic exteripor of what most of you know about sikkim, the real sikkim, the true sikkim.
and BACK-BREAKER is a name dedicated to the road for every time i get back home to Gangtok all my bones are rattling and all my body aching, so if you guys have enough cash to BUY A GOOD SUV i would invite you all for a road trip to my moms village, trust me it will be worth the effort both for you and your machines for it is a shame to see the beautiful powerful and  (so called)  rugged  machines not see any real action on the field at all.

this post is written as an ode to the ROAD(so called) and the people and machines who brave it everyday, a silent salute to all of you !!!

NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no i dont want to grow up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i seriously dont want to fucking grow up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thats what has been on the back of my head since the days my exams started getting over , so when  i got home all my cousins start calling me names and SIR bullshit , all i say to them is that i may be whatever at work but im just your brother at home so cut the bulllshit.
when u stand at crossroads you do not want to leave the past behind , as is the case with me , time is making me responsible and stuff but im not following it out of choice , its a compulsion i have decided to take on , but atleast at places other than work i seriously do not want to be that RESPONSIBLE BLOKE , i want to be the widely unruly , unpredictable and STUCK up kid that i have always been , holding everyone in confusion about what i will do next.

im not one of those people who do not accept growing up, i gladly accept it and will, but thats at work , not at home , so as long as i am here i would always like to be treated as a kid till the day my dad choses to pass on the baton of responsibility onto me
 and yes its my last month of freedom so making the most out of it , went to nainital 2 days after i got home , my cousins finished school from there and they had some reunion or stuff , they dint to go with their parents so i am the EASY PICK , responsible enough for my uncles and LIBERAL enough for my cousins , so i went along , got into the gang and though i seemed to be a little overgrown , once i got into the groove i enjoyed with those high school kids like i was one of them , felt like my own high school afterparty. and dad is finally smiling and joking  along with me when i chat with my parents in the evening , its a good experience being home as a grown up , but still unruly lad , SERIOUSLY FUN, growing up gives you the independence and being still unruly lets you have the fun , anyway when i home i hardly stay still , as in at one place long enough so the posts will only be a trickle ,
so until the last day of independence ends , i will enjoy home , will keep you all updated anyway about all the bullshit passing along
signing off on a cool himalayan morning . light drizzle and 18 degrees , with a light sunshine coming in through the window
KEEP THE FUN ALIVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

the E.N.D

To THE OLD ME,

tomorrow my exams are getting over, a chapter ends, the 5 year old me who went to hostel will be coming out a full grown MAN , long times have passed and things have changed, and no matter how much i say i will not i will miss this life, but the change has to come , and no matter how hard i try the change will come so it is in my best interest to accept it, i will cease to remain a student , i will cease to remain dependent on my dad for DOUGH, and although independence is far more enticing and alluring , the life i will leave behind will always remain in my memories ....................

i hope to remain the old me , the me that is so true to myself, the me who has a thirst for knowing things, a thirst for meeting people and seeing new places , a me who fought with odds , a me who was laughed at , a me people questioned what i would make out of my life , a me who always got a thumbs down, a me who always got snubbed, i so love this me ,

and i just read a post saying ""THE PERSON WHO LAUGHS LAST LAUGHS THE LOUDEST"", and after all these years i guess this is the first time i have laughed back, and trust me I COULD NOT HAVE LAUGHED BACK HAPPIER and  LOUDER , in the ultimate end its me who is laughing and you who is mum !!!!!

to all the people who laughed at me, who questioned me , who snubbed me, and who tried to break me , i thank you the most for finding a reason to push myself further (not harder, mind u) , thank u , and to all the people supported me , THANK U EVEN MORE, i hope i can continue being the old me , evan when i become a new me

I WILL MISS YOU,
from THE NOT SO NEW ME

My first memories -1

Been a long time now, when I look back I see a trail I have left behind, not the best trail that one could leave, but anyway its mine, I have always had the fear that i may someday be rendered redundant, thank god thats not happening soon, for there lies a path ahead of me, that seems good enough atleast for now.
The title was not to suggest that,
unlike many of my brethren who came from towns back then I came from a village, and a village that most people do not know exists even now, except a selcet few, thats when I found myself in HOSTEL, I was 5 then, and the year was 1993, no fond memories of back then, but I remember my first evening very clearly and vividly, a scared little child, thrust out into the unknown, having completley no idea what had just happened.
I vividly remember RAMESH Daju, from singtam was in class 9 or 10 then, when my parents were arranging my belongings, he had taken me out for a walk and shown me the hostel compound, it was a big place, I walked around with him unaware to the fact that I would live in this place for the next 10 years, he showed me the place quite beautifully I remember, one view in particular remains very fresh and vivid in my mind the view of the road turning, on the seperation to the church path, maybe ill attach a picture later if i can of what it looks like now although it must not be as good as it was back then, that was in the afternoon.
then my parents left, I remember seeing many kids crying, all were older because I was only among the 3 people in UKG , thy were crying, wailing, but i was unaware what was going around so i dint even know whether to cry or not, then evening came, other older people were enjoying, recollecting how their vacations were but I sat all alone on my neatly arranged bed, for being new I was yet to make any friends then, all were talking in SMATTERING ENGLISH which I could not because I was still to get into the groove, but later yes I spoke SMATTERING ENGLISH too, small and lonely I dint know what to do, whom to talk to or how to adapt, a 5 year kid caught unaware.
as I wrote this post the picture I have in my head is very vivid and clear, I have forgotten many memories I have from back then but I remember the first day very clearly, and hope to retain it for the future too, another thing is that as I wrote this post , my throat clogged and i was at a loss of words, I cannot speak if someone comes into my room right now, my tear glands to have have become activated and a wet feeling is getting into my eyes, when I think of it I really feel for myself, I REALLY REALLY do, every kid who went to a hostel would understand , others cant, but i hope u do try.
P.S i have attached the location too so you can check that one out