i am all alone in my room right now, the music plays in the background, i do not really care which song plays , why should i care ? and will my caring make any difference .
i do not wish to sound like a person with issues , but like everyone i actually have issues with myself, things i try to hold within me , things i can only bear to bring out when i am with myself and myself only.
loneliness is one thing i have tried to come to terms with , but never have actually managed to do so. i have for the most part of my life been a loner , not the openly a loner type but yes i have been alone for the most part of my life , i have had friends , very good ones indeed and for their company will forever remain grateful. i still have those friends and still cherish their company .
i also have many of those hi hello friends too, most of them fall in that part i guess and no offense at that because all they know of me will not even be able to fill up and create a proper resume.
but beyond all that i am alone , and maybe i will always continue to be. i have always cherished company of any kind but deep inside is a me who nobody has seen, a me nobody has even heard from , a me who is the real me, the lonely me. the calmness on the surface of a river always hides the turbulence that lies beneath and so all the turbulence inside me remains within myself , away from the sight of the onlooker, who always sees the cheerful calm me, but how will he ever come to know the pain that hides beneath my smile, the pain only i know of.
maybe not to be understood is better than being misunderstood , but does not everyone have one of those wishes of someone understanding you , someone who sees the pain within.
i do not know why i say this and am writing this but someday and somewhere everyone has one of these moments when we think, we try and see within ourselves.
but loneliness has been with me forever ,and will always continue to be, i have chosen to not seek solace in alcohol nor nicotine for this is the best high you can ever have, a high that takes time to reach a high that lies deep in the cravass within yourself , a high so deep that people fear even the mere mention of it , yet i seek solace in this high where all that is with me is myself free from everything.